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It's been a long, long time [Jun. 12th, 2006|09:40 pm]
[Current Location |The Garage]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |The Big Comedown-Nine Inch Nails]

So, yeah, it's been awhile. I guess I have been a little too addicted to myspace or something :P A lot of things have occured in the last few months, so I guess I will start from after my last post. Steve left to Wenatchee and it was horrendous for me, because I guess I thought I was really in love. Well, I know that I loved him, but yeah, I don't like him anymore. Chris and I got back together, and him and Steve came back on the same day.
The next day I got a phone call from my Mom(Step) and she told me that my Dad's cancer had gotten worse (which was a shock, because a month before they had given him a decent prognosis) and that his liver had failed. She said the Dr's said this would be our last Christmas together. He made it thru the next day. I was there with my Mom when he passed and it was honestly one of the most horrific things I have had to go thru. I was numb. He was my father. My rock, my everything. The person I strived to impress most in life. It's been almost six months.
Shortly after that my daughter moved to Chicago with her grandparents, when grandpa got transferred, because, honestly, I was a mess. I wasn't at all stable with anything. She is happy though, and I'm trying to be happy. It's hard being this far away from her, but I know that she is taken care of.
I started college. Yes, me, I finally went. So far so good. I enjoy it, and plan on pursuing my Sociology degree. Not sure where yet.
And that leaves me to today. Single. Struggling. Stoned. Sleepy. Just wish I could get it all together. I can't. I have a hard time day to day. Everyday is a struggle to wake up and move on with the day. I've started seeing a therapist, so I hope that it will help me sort out this crazy mind a bit.

Until next time..........
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Rehab [Nov. 30th, 2005|01:12 am]
[Current Mood |weirdweird]
[Current Music |Wild Horses-Alicia Keys ft. Adam Levine]

I know I dreamed you.

I know I dreamed all of this.

I have my freedom, but I don't have much time.

I hope someday I wake up.

I hope this was all a nightmare.

I hope he's ok.

It's over for me, and I'm moving on.

I just hope he's ok.
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Here we go again [Jul. 26th, 2005|03:44 am]
[Current Mood |crankycranky]
[Current Music |Ballad for my One True Love-Mason Jennings]

Exactly. Here we go again. It's not over. I can't not have him in my life and I know that's sad, but not having him was killing me. Things are back to the normal, as they were 3 months ago, and 6 months ago. Although 6 months ago, there were no feelings involved, at least that we knew about. Still waiting. And wishing.

I get to go to Jack Johnson in 3 weeks beeyatches!

I hate degenerate gamblers. But I LOVE my job. I made over $200 in 2 days in tips. Tell me that ain't nice depositing that shit in the bank each night? But I hate non-tippers. I gave this guy over $600 in about 5 minutes and not a dime. Chris got a green chip from him but only because another player said, " Tip the dealer!"

Chris and I checked out a really cool coffee shop in town. How strange to have a hip little place there, in the middle of our extremely unhip town
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The Truth [May. 15th, 2005|07:09 pm]
[Current Mood |scaredscared]
[Current Music |Breathe (2AM)- Anna Nalick]

The girl lies awake every night,
Wishing on a star,
Dreaming of the boy with the dark eyes,
And the amazing soul,
Wanting someone to know the truth,
Behind her sad smile,
So quiet,
She remains,
Day after Day,
Dreaming of the boy with the dark eyes.
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So Close [Apr. 27th, 2005|01:20 pm]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]
[Current Music |The Ruined Puzzle-Dashboard Confessionals]

I am so close. I have put my blood, sweat, and a LOT of tears into getting what I want. It's so close, yet almost so far away. All my life, I've waited for this. I know it. This to me would provide utter and complete happiness. I can smell it, I can touch it. But for some strange reason I just can't pick it up yet. There are so many obstacles and hurdles to get over, and I finally feel like I can see the end of the course, but right now my feet are stuck in mud, so I can't finish. Why can't I move my feet? Why won't they move? Well, let's see, because somebody is holding them down, almost as if he is pouring concrete around my ankles. Then there I will remain immobile and unable to do anything to change the road I'm going down, while he figures out exactly how to finangle his problems. Maybe he will come break the concrete and set me free, one way or another. Wether it's with him or without, eventually I need to spread my wings and fly. With or without him.
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2004 recap [Feb. 24th, 2005|02:11 am]
[Current Mood |creativecreative]

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Took responsibility for a 16 year old girl (my sis)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Probably not, I fell for the wrong guy, and still smoke and still eat like shit :)
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No

4. Did anyone close to you die? No

5. What countries did you visit? Nine, unless you count Vegas. Yeah that counts

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Be single and enjoy the time with myself and sort out my mind.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? My daughter's first day of school and the day I met Frankie

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Coming back to take care of my daughter and my sister

9. What was your biggest failure? Frankie. My biggest joy, but my biggest failure

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? no

11. What was the best thing you bought? Don't have just one.

12. Where did most of your money go? Khaley, savings, car, clothes, cigarettes

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Becoming a casino dealer, taking care of myself, Khaley's first day of school and Mona.

16. What song will always remind you of 2004? SOOOOOOOOOO many

17. Compared to this time last year, how are you? still stressed and unhappy :)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Bettering myself and my sanity

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Frankie.

20. Did you fall in love in 2004? Unfortunately yes, and it ripped my heart out. Words could never explain.

23. How many one-night stands? none, suprisingly

24. What was your favorite TV program? Newlyweds, Las Vegas (NBC), O.C. L Word

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Nope!

26. What was the best book you read? How to Make Love Like a Porn Star-Jenna Jameson

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? New Found Glory, The Used, Jack Johnson

28. What did you want and get? happiness

29. What did you want and not get? Happiness within myself

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 22, Josh made the day really special.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Worrying less about little shit

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? casual, jeans, flip flops, New Balances.

34. What kept you sane? cigarettes, Anita and Lisa, wacky tabacky

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jessica Simpson. "Is this Tuna or fish?" She helps me live up to my name1

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Bush winning the election

37. Who did you miss? Khaley, my parents, Jennifer, Frankie.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Anita and Lisa, and the boys: Bob, Sean, Steve, Jason, Matt, they are good guys

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004? You have to believe in yourself 100% or else you will unconciously sabotage yourself. Independece, silence is a virtue, and to be happy

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I've waited all my life to finally find you
Just so I can push you away
And when you're crawling over broken glass to get to me
That's when i'll let you stay

Ashlee Simpson-Love me for me

This is your life, live it.
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The L Word [Feb. 24th, 2005|01:43 am]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |Cut Up Angels-The Used]

What a great show. I don't know if anyone else watches it, but I'm hooked. I watched all of last season, thx to Anita and Lisa and we watched the rerun of the premeire tonight, cuz they had to work on Sunday. Great show! Anyways, just wanted to say that and leave off with the best music quote ever:

"I'm drunk. And right now, I'm so in love with you. And I don't wanna think too much about what we should or shouldn't do. Lay my hands on Heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars, while the Devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car. Nothing quite like the feel of something new. Maybe I'm all messed up. Maybe I'm all messed up in you. This is the only time I really feel alive."

NIN-The only time
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Fate [Feb. 23rd, 2005|12:18 am]
[Current Mood |sickalone]
[Current Music |Songs about Rain-Gary Allen]

Does anyone else out there believe in fate? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Sometimes it's easy to believe that everything in our life happens for a reason and that we are all just living day to day in a life in which every step is already pre-planned for us. Other times things happen in your life which make you second guess everything. Are our lives already set or do we choose our own destiny? Can we wish and pray and fight to change our destiny or does no matter what we do to alter a situation, will the outcome always be the same? Was I supposed to end up where I've ended up or have my choices led me to this life?
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What the hell am I doing? [Feb. 7th, 2005|12:29 am]
[Current Mood |worriedworried]
[Current Music |True-Ryan Cabrera]

I find myself asking that question a lot. Do I really know what the hell I am doing? Or am I just pretending and I am really completely clueless about everything and everyone in my life? Probably the latter, with only a little of the first. I have an obvious schedule that I follow on a daily basis, which will now be even fuller with the fact that I have taken on a new job. (more on that further down) I get up, I go to work, and I just sail through each and every day. No real direction, just living. And as strange as this sounds, I love it. Never have I felt so careless. But at the same time, I do have a lot of cares. I've been stressed out about lots of things, from me and Josh, my sister, work, my kid, and now my dad. They found out the verdict. He does have cancer again. And even though he seems okay with his burden, I don't. My dad's parents died when he was 25. I will be 23 this year, and there is no way that I can deal with my dad not being here. He is the one thing I have that really keeps me centered. I love him and it sucks that the parent that has been there all my life is the one dying. My mother never cared about us, the only bonus we gave her was a child support check and a handout from the state. She's the one that's fine, living her life day in, day out, while my father could potentially not be here. Anyways, that sucks, sorry, I just had to vent.

So I start my second job on Tuesday, thanks to Anita. I will be working days at the country club and nights at Porterhouse. I am excited. I am finally taking care of myself all by myself. No help! I almost made all of rent this weekend at work. I made almost $300 this week and then almost $300 on my paycheck. I just did my taxes too and I might be getting back $3k. I hope so. I am going to take care of a lot of things. Pay off old bills, give Mona some, start both the girls savings accounts. Maybe even buy and IPOD!!!! Yeah! I think I might buy one for Josh too, cuz I know he really wants one and I think after all the shit I put him through, he deserves it. :) And you know of course, I will be buying a lot of clothes. So that they can sit in my closet and collect dust, seems how there is no where to wear them here. The only time I get to get dressed up here is to go to the Sand Bar or Bob's. Woo Hoo! Yeah right, both those places get the worst of me. I think I might save up for some kind of elaborate trip too. Maybe Cabo or Hawaii, or just a free for all in Vegas!!!!!!!

Have to go, I am tired and Khaley has school in the morning-Me
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My December Update.........I know everyone anxiously awaits it (lol) [Dec. 28th, 2004|01:53 pm]
[Current Mood |tiredtired]
[Current Music |Jack Johnson-Mediocre Bad Guys]

Well, it's been a long month, with a lot of things that have gone on, but I will try to make it quick. So we started out the month with a fire that destroyed almost everything in our master bedroom. The Christmas presents that I stood in line for over an hour to get ended up okay after we washed the soot off of them. All my pics were damaged and momentos were charred, but we were okay and there wasn't any more damage than just our room. We had to move to another apartment so that sucked! ( I hate moving!!!!!!!!) We ended up pulling a good XMas out of our asses. We got a 32 inch flat screen tv, new appliances, and the kids got spoiled rotten. I even got the new $50 Vicky's Secret bra. And for anyone wondering if it's worth it, I got one word for you. Definitly! We are planning our move back to LV after the 1st of April when our lease is up on our apartment. So I need to start looking for jobs and houses/apartments. Josh and I are both card dealers up here so we need to find somewhere good for that. I also cocktail and am not against putting on a teeny tiny outfit with my new cleavage and toting around a serving tray. So if anyone has any suggestions on where we should go, please let us know :) Thanks. Hope everyone had a great XMas, I am sure it was warm, as I have heard about the nice temps there!
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